Happy Post- Valentine’s Day!!!
Permit me to do this before I proceed:
Tiwatayo Olufolahanmi Lasebikan
Words will never be enough
So I won’t even try
But I know that if I am left with nothing in this world
With you beside me, I’m beyond satisfied.
Thank you for being mine.
Now to WordPress matters, today we’ve come to the close of the wonderful series, “Love in God’s House”. I’m happy and sad. I’m happy cause its been a wonderful ride, sad cause I’ll miss having other people here. I wish we could go on, story after story, but like the saying goes “All good things come to an end”.
I want to thank God for the inspiration behind the idea and every single story. My gratitude to every featured writer(yes, I called y’all writers) Tumininu Ajayi, Ifedayo Afolabi, Tiwatayo Lasebikan, Damilola Dada, Akinwande Onafalujo, Damilola Longe, and Ajoyo Sowande. Special thanks to the man who designed, and designs for this blog Joshua Owopetu. You’re a blessing even when I have to chase you the whole day.
And of course, to everyone who stopped by to read and to those who went a step ahead to comment, thank you. Heartstrings and Keynotes won’t be without you.
Oyah, I have said enough. Today’s story is by me. Please enjoy.
My Bible tells me that You are love and anyone who loves is born of You, and he(she) who doesn’t love, doesn’t love You. I’m here to say I’ve sinned.
I’ve sinned cause not only have I not loved, but I have also lived a lie. I know You know all this, but telling You is supposed to make me feel better and less guilty. So that’s what I’ll do.
I wonder what You think anytime You look down and see Toni and I. Do You and wonder how we’ve strayed too far from the path You’ve marked out for us? Or do You sigh and hope we’ll finally see the signs You’ve plastered on every tree we pass by? Whichever way, You got my attention.
I know Toni loves You. Isn’t that what I’ve always asked for? A man after your heart? A man who would love You more than he would love himself, and even me?
He’s a sweetheart. Diligent, focused, well established. An aeronautic engineer with shares and investments in more places than my mind can comprehend. He has so many degrees to his name, he could make a thermometer jealous. If it’s about earthly wealth, I definitely had nothing to worry about. Then I scratch a little deeper, and he’s rich in heavenly wealth too. His life is a living epistle.
He has never touched me inappropriately, his self-control is astounding. Sometimes I wonder why I’m so lucky. Sometimes I wonder why he’s so perfect.
Why this guy would pick me out of all the “sisters” in the church?
I thought his family would dislike me, seeing as they all looked stuck-up from their pew in church, instead they welcomed me with open arms. His mother practically gushes over me. She tells me about what her grandkids would look like and how she would spoil them even if I protested.
They accepted me as one of their own from the first time Toni introduced me as the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
I know I’m supposed to be thankful. I have what a lot of women stay on their knees for- a man after Your heart, decent guy, lovely family, not to talk of his good job and his good looks.
I love the idea of Toni,but I don’t LOVE Toni.
It took me four years and nine months to finally come to this realization, but I’m glad I did. I now understand why it was hard for me to make sacrifices for even the littlest things like anniversary dates; why it was a task saying “I love you too” when I knew it would brighten his day. The mere thought of being “Mrs. Adenuga” someday sounds good to my human senses, but my heart stays ice cold.
I guess its because I never felt what I thought I did. He has good “prospects” but he’s not what I want. He has big dreams, but I don’t see myself in the picture.
God, I’m scared. I’m scared cause as much as I am not in love with this man, I don’t want to let him go. I’ll break his heart, and that of every member of our families. Where will I find another like Toni?
A man who cooks and cleans without me asking? And who gives me a phone call telling me that he feels we should pray for my brother’s “O”-Level exams? I mean, he remembers MY parents’ anniversaries before I do!
Writing this down in words makes me sound more stupid. Like I’m sure the easy answer is “What will satisfy you?”. But God, I’ve been existing and not living in this relationship.
I adore and respect Toni but he’s not my partner and neither is my side-kick. He’s more than a big brother, but all I want is a best friend.
I want someone that doesn’t make me feel like I have to constantly stay in a shadow of his bright light, but instead we’ll shine together. Maybe I sound undeserving, but…
I’m in tears as I write this. What am I to do?
I’ve given You my plans for too long and I’ve asked You to bless them, just like Abraham’s Ishmael, but now I want you to give me Isaac. I want Your plans for my life.
This morning, I saw a notepad on his coffee table, and it contained a poem he wrote for me. I guess he wants to propose tonight at his sisters’ wedding anniversary dinner.
Lord, help me. Please.