Goodbye


In loving memory of Dolapo…

She smiled at you through the veil
In her eyes, you saw joy inexplicable,
Love that held no fears
Dreams waiting to be fulfilled
You felt humbled and honoured simultaneously
She was yours and you were hers,
Till death do you part

The bundle of joy was due sooner than you planned
She laughed while she said,”We’re having a honeymoon baby”
You nursed her like she was a delicate petal
Cooking,cleaning, driving round town
You would have taken a leave from work if you could
Just to be by her side
Just to feel your baby’s kick

You had hoped he would share your birthday
But he decided to come a few days earlier
You drove like a mad man at 2am to the hospital
And prayed while waiting for the doctors to arrive
You prayed some more in the waiting room
Till you got exhausted and slept off on the cold metal chair

His face was expressionless
You asked about Lade and your son
He told you calmly that he was a still-birth and Lade was in a critical state
He told you to pray, pray hard
You called friends and family
Pastors and colleagues
Some rushed down, others told you to be calm
Together you prayed
Hands joined together, words mingled in a loud chorus, but one burden
For the life of Lade

The doctor reappeared after two long hours
Speaking gibberish, all you heard was they had lost her
You went blank

You woke up on a hospital bed
A nurse was staring down at you
You looked around the room and recognised their faces
Your mother, your brother and your best friend
It all started coming back together
Your Lade, your baby…

It was your birthday
You were welcomed back home by silence, emptiness and old photographs hanging on the wall
You felt like you missed your way and entered the wrong apartment
You fell on the couch and cried
You cried for your soulmate and partner
You cried for your son whose cry you never got to hear
You cried for all the good times you had with her
All the words unspoken
You cried for the memories that will never be made

You asked God questions
Why?
You had served Him with all you had
So why did He take everything away?
You felt like a modern-day Job
A glass wall was suspended between you and the heavens
God could see you but He couldn’t hear you

You hated the sunlight so you kept the curtains closed all the time
What would the world say about you?
“The man whose wife and child died within nine months of his marriage”
They would call you cursed
Give you a name that wasn’t yours
Some might even blame you for their deaths
Assume you used them for fetish reasons

The burial was solemn
A big grave for Lade, a small one for Boluwatife
You picked the name when your friend asked what you wanted written on his tombstone
You had no tears so the clouds helped you
You stayed till the sun went down
But you still had too many questions

Life goes on
You’ve become a shadow of yourself
The sympathizers have all left
They keep urging you to move on
You try to keep busy,  to distract yourself
But everything takes you back to that horrible day
It’s like driving a car while looking at the rear-view mirror
You’re stuck in the past, in your grief,  in your dreams with Lade

One day you find yourself in church
Disconnected from the service
Asking questions like you’ve been doing in the past few months
You’re still nursing a wound and the anger keeps eating you up
Then the you hear the pastor say
“Do you know God loves you?”

His words stop your thoughts
A God who loves you and allowed all these
“Even though it all doesn’t seem to make sense now, He loves you”
You look up expecting to see the pastor looking straight at you, reading your thoughts
Instead his eyes are shut, like he’s paying attention to someone higher than him
“He says even to your old age and to your gray hair will I carry you”
None of it made any sense to you
Felt like you were having a conversation with the man on the pulpit
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when you pass through rivers, they won’t sweep over you; when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned”
You felt like you were drowning and burning at the same time
You couldn’t keep up anymore
You wanted to ask when it was all going to end
“Surely I am with you always, to the very end”
God was speaking to you
He had heard, He had been listening
Those cold nights when you wailed
The times you almost took your own life
So you could be with the ones you loved the most
He had been there
And now He was reaching out
“Beauty for your ashes, my child”
This time the pastor was starring right at you
Like he could see right through you
You felt naked, ashamed
For ever doubting a love so strong
“He loves you. He loves you so much He doesn’t want to see you hurting. He says “Come to me and I will give you rest””
The tears come and suddenly you are curled up on the floor in a ball
Wailing, submitting, surrendering
Letting it all go and embracing His love instead

You take flowers to their graves
Today, you’re not angry or sad or disappointed
You’re at peace, a peace you can’t explain
You’ve come to say your final words
You’ve come to lay them to rest properly
You’re letting go and giving them to the only One who loves them more
To take care of them till you meet again
“This isn’t good-bye,
  It’s see you later”.

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. olumide farinre says:

    lovely writeup. brought tears to my eyes

  2. Sigmund Einstein says:

    *speechless*

    *2yrs later*
    #finds voice
    Brilliant, just brilliant

  3. LASH says:

    Normally, she would have read this post. And I might have asked her sef what she thinks. I believe she’s smiling where she is now. Its not goodbye, its see you later.

  4. amos says:

    a sad story…..a good piece…

  5. sarz says:

    Simply Phenomenal…u’re a blessing

  6. tolutimehin says:

    Really sad great story.:(

  7. meg omotoso says:

    Amazing story!

  8. meg omotoso says:

    Amazing story! So vivid and heartfelt! RIP to the loved ones I’ve lost. 😦

  9. Oluwatomi Adeoti says:

    I hope the encouraging words in this write up reach out to her loved ones and friends. Truly, it’s see you later.

  10. tope Obolo says:

    This is beautiful, a heartfelt story.

  11. gboyega 99 says:

    a lovely sad story.

  12. Gucci says:

    This is so SAD. I cried so hard while reading this article. I lost my best friend Easter of 2013, now that its few days to d day he died, d pain is back all over again. I still ask God why and in d same breath, thank Him for seeing me thru my pain. Its not easy to lose a loved one. RIP Mamush.

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